Something tonight is throwing me back to my roots. Deep deep far back. To my first car. The 1984 Pontiac Phoenix. Little did I know then what the phoenix actually meant. To rise again. Rise again after it had probably died a nice and peaceful grandmas death in 1991 only to be born again in 1998 to have a fro-ey red-haired punk mother. Carting around miscreants after highschool detention let out for the day. The small price of $900 to rebirth what would go on to only live another year or two before being replaced by a hybrid (Geoda) but would emit such awesome tunes as Operation Ivy, old school Rancid, and some Suicide Machines. What new reborn automobile wouldn't love some punk rock mixtapes? Back then there was no CD players. Only CDs recorded onto beloved tapes to be played in such sweet rides as the two toned Phoenix. Adorned with stickers on the back window, Drastic Plastic bought "Heroin Sucks" which my dad happened to (accidentally) scrape off during a snow storm, hot pink "Girls Skate" shop of CA, homemade cards taped on with "unity" and "Sublime" drawn in old english.
I loved that car like my first born. There was nothing better than coasting down Elmwood Drive, sun roof glued closed, windows down, a new found freedom like never before.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
A Rant on the State of Things
I am stressed. Beyond stressed. I am not doing what I want with my life, but what I have to do to get by. One has to work to pay for the things they desire. More often than not one has to bust their ass to get the bare necessities and nothing more. By the time I get done busting my ass there is little time left for my brain to be able to do the things I want it to do. I have become a drone in the working class world. I am off track to the pursuit of happiness. So far off track, I am not sure I will ever find my way back.
My boyfriend just got word that his child support will be increasing. While I think it is a good thing that he is providing for his child I do not think that it is fair for his child to get more money than he does a month to live on. Or rather, his child and his child's mother. I am not completely aware of her circumstances but as far as I can tell she works part time. She got to go to college, redecorate her house, drive a nice car, and go on expensive vacations. Most of which was on my boyfriend and the state's dime. Guess what we did on vacation last year. We went on a 3 day road trip to Missouri and camped out because that is all we could afford.
I would LOVE to be able to go to college. And I could if I wanted to take out ridiculous loans that, with the state of the economy, I am not even sure I would be able to pay back.
I think it is great the state has programs to help mothers be able to go school and provide for their children. But when does the state assistance go too far? I am ashamed to know people that play the system. Why do I have to work my ass off to barely scrape by when some people are sitting on their asses eating free food, not working, doing drugs, and not taking care of their children.
I have always wanted to have a family, but guess what: I probably never will. I can't afford it. I wouldn't be able to provide for a child and I do not want to live off the system. I'd love to be able to go to school but I make too much money to receive assistance but not enough to pay for it myself.
Don't be surprised if one day soon I run away from it all.
My boyfriend just got word that his child support will be increasing. While I think it is a good thing that he is providing for his child I do not think that it is fair for his child to get more money than he does a month to live on. Or rather, his child and his child's mother. I am not completely aware of her circumstances but as far as I can tell she works part time. She got to go to college, redecorate her house, drive a nice car, and go on expensive vacations. Most of which was on my boyfriend and the state's dime. Guess what we did on vacation last year. We went on a 3 day road trip to Missouri and camped out because that is all we could afford.
I would LOVE to be able to go to college. And I could if I wanted to take out ridiculous loans that, with the state of the economy, I am not even sure I would be able to pay back.
I think it is great the state has programs to help mothers be able to go school and provide for their children. But when does the state assistance go too far? I am ashamed to know people that play the system. Why do I have to work my ass off to barely scrape by when some people are sitting on their asses eating free food, not working, doing drugs, and not taking care of their children.
I have always wanted to have a family, but guess what: I probably never will. I can't afford it. I wouldn't be able to provide for a child and I do not want to live off the system. I'd love to be able to go to school but I make too much money to receive assistance but not enough to pay for it myself.
Don't be surprised if one day soon I run away from it all.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Beginning of the End is Near
Ten days til doomsday, or the beginning of the end, or the rapture and according to the billboard by our place of residence, this is AWESOME news! Um, what? I suppose it's only awesome for those of you who believe they will be beamed into the giant paradise in the sky. But what about the rest of us? The non-believers will be left to toil within hell on Earth til the end of days. Well thanks for letting us know and attempting to warn us into submission.
Does this make me a non-believer? I wouldn't go as far as to say I am an atheist. Agnostic? Isn't the whole point to have faith and believe without having any sort of proof? I am in over my head here.
What I do know is that a lot of supposed 'Christians' seem to be hypocritical lunatics. But I suppose that may only be the ones that go out of their way to make themselves heard. And I can count on one hand the 'Christians' that haven't completely turned me off with their views.
I am not in any way knocking religious people. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs I just don't find it necessary for you to push yours onto mine. I know that as a messenger of God, or whatever, that is your job but your terror inducing billboards and bus stop advertisements may not be the best route to go about your business.
At least we can both look on the bright side. Only ten more days before you get to experience that which you have supposedly devoted your entire life and I will get some peace and quiet. Well, other than having to deal with the fiery pits of hell. That might be a bit loud and uncomfortable.
Alas, I am also a bit of a hypocrite in these matters for I have seen and experienced my own fair share of demons. Can you really have demons without the big guy in the sky?
Perhaps I shouldn't talk about the things in which I have no knowledge and do not entirely understand. I am bound to get some criticism but I felt like it was something I needed to get out. Such a taboo topic needs a bit of discussion, after all. Is this here post going to be the final nail in my Hell on Earth coffin?
All kidding aside, a small part of me remains a little terrified that the end really is near.
Does this make me a non-believer? I wouldn't go as far as to say I am an atheist. Agnostic? Isn't the whole point to have faith and believe without having any sort of proof? I am in over my head here.
What I do know is that a lot of supposed 'Christians' seem to be hypocritical lunatics. But I suppose that may only be the ones that go out of their way to make themselves heard. And I can count on one hand the 'Christians' that haven't completely turned me off with their views.
I am not in any way knocking religious people. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs I just don't find it necessary for you to push yours onto mine. I know that as a messenger of God, or whatever, that is your job but your terror inducing billboards and bus stop advertisements may not be the best route to go about your business.
At least we can both look on the bright side. Only ten more days before you get to experience that which you have supposedly devoted your entire life and I will get some peace and quiet. Well, other than having to deal with the fiery pits of hell. That might be a bit loud and uncomfortable.
Alas, I am also a bit of a hypocrite in these matters for I have seen and experienced my own fair share of demons. Can you really have demons without the big guy in the sky?
Perhaps I shouldn't talk about the things in which I have no knowledge and do not entirely understand. I am bound to get some criticism but I felt like it was something I needed to get out. Such a taboo topic needs a bit of discussion, after all. Is this here post going to be the final nail in my Hell on Earth coffin?
All kidding aside, a small part of me remains a little terrified that the end really is near.
Ten days til doomsday, or the beginning of the end, or the rapture and according to the billboard by our place of residence, this is AWESOME news! Um, what? I suppose it's only awesome for those of you who believe they will be beamed into the giant paradise in the sky. But what about the rest of us? The non-believers will be left to toil within hell on Earth til the end of days. Well thanks for letting us know and attempting to warn us into submission.
Does this make me a non-believer? I wouldn't go as far as to say I am an atheist. Agnostic? Isn't the whole point to have faith and believe without having any sort of proof? I am in over my head here.
What I do know is that a lot of supposed 'Christians' seem to be hypocritical lunatics. But I suppose that may only be the ones that go out of their way to make themselves heard. And I can count on one hand the 'Christians' that haven't completely turned me off with their views.
I am not in any way knocking religious people. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs I just don't find it necessary for you to push yours onto mine. I know that as a messenger of God, or whatever, that is your job but your terror inducing billboards and bus stop advertisements may not be the best route to go about your business.
At least we can both look on the bright side. Only ten more days before you get to experience that which you have supposedly devoted your entire life and I will get some peace and quiet. Well, other than having to deal with the fiery pits of hell. That might be a bit loud and uncomfortable.
Alas, I am also a bit of a hypocrite in these matters for I have seen and experienced my own fair share of demons. Can you really have demons without the big guy in the sky?
Perhaps I shouldn't talk about the things in which I have no knowledge and do not entirely understand. I am bound to get some criticism but I felt like it was something I needed to get out. Such a taboo topic needs a bit of discussion, after all. Is this here post going to be the final nail in my Hell on Earth coffin?
All kidding aside, a small part of me remains a little terrified that the end really is near.
Does this make me a non-believer? I wouldn't go as far as to say I am an atheist. Agnostic? Isn't the whole point to have faith and believe without having any sort of proof? I am in over my head here.
What I do know is that a lot of supposed 'Christians' seem to be hypocritical lunatics. But I suppose that may only be the ones that go out of their way to make themselves heard. And I can count on one hand the 'Christians' that haven't completely turned me off with their views.
I am not in any way knocking religious people. Everyone is entitled to their own beliefs I just don't find it necessary for you to push yours onto mine. I know that as a messenger of God, or whatever, that is your job but your terror inducing billboards and bus stop advertisements may not be the best route to go about your business.
At least we can both look on the bright side. Only ten more days before you get to experience that which you have supposedly devoted your entire life and I will get some peace and quiet. Well, other than having to deal with the fiery pits of hell. That might be a bit loud and uncomfortable.
Alas, I am also a bit of a hypocrite in these matters for I have seen and experienced my own fair share of demons. Can you really have demons without the big guy in the sky?
Perhaps I shouldn't talk about the things in which I have no knowledge and do not entirely understand. I am bound to get some criticism but I felt like it was something I needed to get out. Such a taboo topic needs a bit of discussion, after all. Is this here post going to be the final nail in my Hell on Earth coffin?
All kidding aside, a small part of me remains a little terrified that the end really is near.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Writing About Writers Block
If you write it, the words will come?
Well, here I am. Typing some stupid words out in hopes that a little bit of typing may spawn a little bit more. Sitting out on the deck in hopes that a change of venue may get the creative juices flowing.
...
...
My OCD preventing me from feeling the least bit comfortable in my skin. The dirt on our little glass table is making me feel like I need to go grab the windex instead of continue typing.
A hoodie to cover my arms will have to do for now.
I sit here watching the sun set and I know how blessed I am. How much better off I am now than I was a year ago. I no longer live in the ghetto or have to worry about getting shot or mugged as I walk to my door after work. I am no longer alone. I live with someone I can call my best friend who makes me smile and keeps me safe. Who is now there when there is no one else. Someone I love very much. I have a great family who I also love very much that I can be sure loves me just the same.
So why do I feel like I have this dark cloud over me? Why do I feel like my brain is a jumbled mess of incomprehensible gibberish? Like a string of christmas lights taken out of the box from last year, the more you try to untangle them, the more tangled they become.
It's difficult to have a story if there is no conflict. Isn't that the main idea of a story after all?
I don't need anymore conflict. I have already had enough to last a few lifetimes.
So what do I write about now? Or maybe I should just stop writing. Or start writing fiction. I think my brain unlearned how to do that a long time ago.
I need to find a pathway to spiritual enlightenment. I need a deep cleanse to clear this fog.
Sometimes listening to music also helps the creative process. While attempting to make the words happen and listening to Slacker Radio this song by moby comes on.
It seems more than a little fitting to my current mood. It almost brings the tears I know I need to shed. To expel some of these demons out of my body in the form of human raindrops. Almost, but not quite.
For now I will wait for the predicted storm that will probably never happen.
Well, here I am. Typing some stupid words out in hopes that a little bit of typing may spawn a little bit more. Sitting out on the deck in hopes that a change of venue may get the creative juices flowing.
...
...
My OCD preventing me from feeling the least bit comfortable in my skin. The dirt on our little glass table is making me feel like I need to go grab the windex instead of continue typing.
A hoodie to cover my arms will have to do for now.
I sit here watching the sun set and I know how blessed I am. How much better off I am now than I was a year ago. I no longer live in the ghetto or have to worry about getting shot or mugged as I walk to my door after work. I am no longer alone. I live with someone I can call my best friend who makes me smile and keeps me safe. Who is now there when there is no one else. Someone I love very much. I have a great family who I also love very much that I can be sure loves me just the same.
So why do I feel like I have this dark cloud over me? Why do I feel like my brain is a jumbled mess of incomprehensible gibberish? Like a string of christmas lights taken out of the box from last year, the more you try to untangle them, the more tangled they become.
It's difficult to have a story if there is no conflict. Isn't that the main idea of a story after all?
I don't need anymore conflict. I have already had enough to last a few lifetimes.
So what do I write about now? Or maybe I should just stop writing. Or start writing fiction. I think my brain unlearned how to do that a long time ago.
I need to find a pathway to spiritual enlightenment. I need a deep cleanse to clear this fog.
Sometimes listening to music also helps the creative process. While attempting to make the words happen and listening to Slacker Radio this song by moby comes on.
It seems more than a little fitting to my current mood. It almost brings the tears I know I need to shed. To expel some of these demons out of my body in the form of human raindrops. Almost, but not quite.
For now I will wait for the predicted storm that will probably never happen.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
A Punk By Any Other Name
5-3-11
I was about to start up a blog just now, because, well, I should have had one a long time ago. And maybe having one will encourage me to start writing again. This may be the one and only reason I miss when Myspace was cool. Sure, I can write Notes on Facebook, and I have but it's just not the same. Back in my glory days I would have up to 20 views a day and was up to about 15,000 views total. People read (past tense) my stuff. Posting something on Facebook is a little hit or miss. If you blink, you miss it.
And sure I write for myself. I don't NEED to have people reading my stuff. But I do like hearing what other people have to say about my thoughts. Most of the time.
And for awhile I wasn't writing at all and my excuse was because I was happy and my best stuff comes from tragedy. Well, sometimes I don't even know about that. Content, most days, but happy is such a generic and somewhat bland frame of mind, at least it seems that way to me.
Anyways, so I was about to start up this here blog. And then I came to the part where you are supposed to come up with a display name. I began to enter my usual internet moniker when I realized that doesn't exactly work for me anymore. RubyOmahell. Hmmm, I don't live in Omahell anymore. I am back to my roots in good ole Council Tuckey (a term of endearment for those of you getting your tights twisted). RubyCouncilHell just doesnt roll off the tongue quite the same. LindsayLouHoo? A tad elementary and already something I've used before. I want to start fresh with something new. I wonder if I can start one up and then change it after I figure out a good name. I am drawing a blank for now, perhaps because of the perpetual pain behind my forehead. And my computer battery is almost dead. Oh, and I am at work, so I guess I should concentrate on that so I can finish up and go home.
Off to brainstorm.
Updated 5-4-11:
Last night I asked for some suggestions via my internet friends. At first they were not understanding that it was the Omaha part that needed to change, not neccessarily the Ruby or the Hell (Red in Omahell, Omahell Ginger, Omahole) Once we got on the same page, things started to roll. Someone suggested Misadventures of a Deviant Ginger. I had actually played with the MisAdventure thing before so it was a good reminder.
Although at times I can be totally Hollywood, the L.A. is actually my first two initials. Then someone suggested Iowack. This reminded me of Iowaska which was what someone from my distant past used to call my place of dwelling. Living in Iowa but often crossing the border for many MisAdventures in Nebraska. And so for now I am going to try The MisAdventures of LA*Iowaska. I'm still not sure if I am completely satisfied with this but it'll have to do for now.
I was about to start up a blog just now, because, well, I should have had one a long time ago. And maybe having one will encourage me to start writing again. This may be the one and only reason I miss when Myspace was cool. Sure, I can write Notes on Facebook, and I have but it's just not the same. Back in my glory days I would have up to 20 views a day and was up to about 15,000 views total. People read (past tense) my stuff. Posting something on Facebook is a little hit or miss. If you blink, you miss it.
And sure I write for myself. I don't NEED to have people reading my stuff. But I do like hearing what other people have to say about my thoughts. Most of the time.
And for awhile I wasn't writing at all and my excuse was because I was happy and my best stuff comes from tragedy. Well, sometimes I don't even know about that. Content, most days, but happy is such a generic and somewhat bland frame of mind, at least it seems that way to me.
Anyways, so I was about to start up this here blog. And then I came to the part where you are supposed to come up with a display name. I began to enter my usual internet moniker when I realized that doesn't exactly work for me anymore. RubyOmahell. Hmmm, I don't live in Omahell anymore. I am back to my roots in good ole Council Tuckey (a term of endearment for those of you getting your tights twisted). RubyCouncilHell just doesnt roll off the tongue quite the same. LindsayLouHoo? A tad elementary and already something I've used before. I want to start fresh with something new. I wonder if I can start one up and then change it after I figure out a good name. I am drawing a blank for now, perhaps because of the perpetual pain behind my forehead. And my computer battery is almost dead. Oh, and I am at work, so I guess I should concentrate on that so I can finish up and go home.
Off to brainstorm.
Updated 5-4-11:
Last night I asked for some suggestions via my internet friends. At first they were not understanding that it was the Omaha part that needed to change, not neccessarily the Ruby or the Hell (Red in Omahell, Omahell Ginger, Omahole) Once we got on the same page, things started to roll. Someone suggested Misadventures of a Deviant Ginger. I had actually played with the MisAdventure thing before so it was a good reminder.
Although at times I can be totally Hollywood, the L.A. is actually my first two initials. Then someone suggested Iowack. This reminded me of Iowaska which was what someone from my distant past used to call my place of dwelling. Living in Iowa but often crossing the border for many MisAdventures in Nebraska. And so for now I am going to try The MisAdventures of LA*Iowaska. I'm still not sure if I am completely satisfied with this but it'll have to do for now.
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